I have never considered myself a leader. Nor have I, of course, ever seen myself reflected in those endless lists of traits that supposedly define leaders. I am shy, I shrink in front of crowds, I fear direct confrontation, I lose track of conversations when too many people are talking… and yet, I have felt that I have accompanied others on their journey, helping them get at least a little closer to their goals.

My problem with many of those discourses on leadership is that they remain anchored to figures that some gurus admire with almost childish fascination: Sun Tzu, Napoleon, Churchill… as if everything came down to great military feats or characters that look like they belong in an epic movie. They remind me of those young people on Instagram posing next to a parked Lamborghini to project a life that isn’t really theirs.

What’s more, the people so focused on the dichotomy between those who are leaders and those who are not are, in truth, hiding a more sinister intention: to neatly classify people as either leaders or followers. And that is simply simplistic and false.

I prefer to look at leadership from another angle—not so much in terms of what someone supposedly is, but in terms of what they should never be. Because leadership is not something absolute or dichotomous; it isn’t a matter of “you have it or you don’t.” It is rather a continuous process, something that is cultivated and that can either grow or wither over time. And in my experience, it doesn’t depend so much on the virtues one accumulates, but rather on the shortcomings one manages to avoid.

Poor leadership shows up when someone imposes instead of inspiring, when they resort to fear instead of building trust, when they lack vision and cannot convey a clear purpose. It also appears when the focus is solely on oneself, seeking recognition above the common good. A lack of listening, incoherence between words and actions, dodging responsibility, or blocking the initiative of others are all signs of leadership that corrodes rather than builds. And of course, everything collapses when trust is lost due to unethical or manipulative behavior.

That is why I believe it would be healthier to stop viewing leadership as that epic collection of heroic traits sold by second-rate gurus. Real leadership is more common, more humble, and closer than we think. It doesn’t exist only in great teams with grand objectives. Many times it is intermittent: people alternate their capacity to lead depending on the situation. It also appears in everyday life: in a couple that supports one another, in a group of friends making decisions together, and, above all, within oneself, when you learn to guide your own mind toward where you want to go.

That’s why, for me, there is no worse leader than the one who obsesses over being seen as such. There is nothing more decadent than trying to appear, instead of simply being and letting others naturally recognize—or not—your influence.

In the end, leading is not about conquering or commanding. Leading is about being coherent, building trust, and little by little allowing others—and yourself—to move in the right direction.